Vivid Scenes

One of my weak points is vivid scenes. I have a tendency to have the images in my mind but fail to put it in my story. I have mentioned many times before that I believe the reader has the ability to imagine these scenes on their own; however, there is a huge gap between those two concepts.

I have turned back to The Tea Room in an effort to get it ready to enter another contest. It’s a women’s fiction contest found at: http://tinyurl.com/z5njvsp provided by:

@ChuckSambuchino

I thought I would take a scene and post it here and see what I can do to enhance it; meanwhile, it may help those of you who are like me and minimally describe a scene.

ORIGINAL

Back in her room Maria pulled out her diary and read the two previous entries. It reminded her of how precious her life outside the terem was – she had taken it for granted. How she wished she had paid more attention and written about everything. The description of her old room – the nursery, was vividly laid out and the picture that was formed in her mind, made her smile. She shared a bed with Sofia then, they were close, but something changed in Sofia and now they hardly spoke. Sofia was smart and had all the answers to the musings of her younger sisters.

 

ENHANCED

 

Back in her room Maria pulled out her diary and read the two previous entries she had written before the move to the terem. It reminded her of how precious her life was – she had taken it for granted. How she wished she had paid more attention and written about everything in such detail. The description of her old room – the nursery, was vividly laid out and the picture that was formed in her mind, made her smile. Fairies and angels adorned the walls, the aroma of ointment, and the softness of Mierda’s many layers of clothing as she cuddled and sung to them. The beautifully carved wooden cradle and the small bed she shared with Sofia then. They were close, and she read to her at night by candlelight. However, something changed in Sofia and now they hardly spoke. Sofia was smart and had all the answers to the musings of her younger sisters.

 

ORIGINAL

Almost immediately a group of Streltsy guardsmen entered the establishment that was known for it’s loyalties to the young Tsar. The obvious leader of the gang who’s sole purpose was to cause trouble, Vasilly Starostenko, had hesitated outside to heckle a passerby. He was delayed long enough for Heidi to move Maria and her escort into the back room and out the alley door — unseen.
“Maria I am afraid your clandestine activities are no longer a secret. I would have picked up that book for you. What are you reading that you had to risk so much to get it?”
Maria looked at him and didn’t quite know how to explain.
“You wouldn’t understand,” was her response.
Kirill, who had sisters himself, knew not to reply to that comment without risking his good standing.
Her afternoon adventure had left quite a story to tell in the first entry of her new diary, but she hated to part company with the real-life, quite capable, and handsome warrior dragon-slayer. Kirill solved her dilemma by suggesting another meeting.
“I will be out by the lake tomorrow with the Tsar, perhaps you and Fyodora could come by and watch the boys launch their sailboats.”
Knowing that any more time spent together within the walls of the palace could effect any future meetings because of protocol, she gleefully accepted his invitation and ran to tell Fyodora the good news.

ENHANCED

Almost immediately a group of Streltsy guardsmen, resplendent in their red uniforms, entered the establishment that was known for it’s loyalties to the young Tsar. The obvious leader of the gang, who’s sole purpose was to cause trouble, was the dashing, Vasilly Starostenko, who had hesitated outside to heckle a passerby who looked at him with disdain. He was delayed long enough for Heidi to move Maria and her escort into the back room and out the alley door — unseen.

Hidden in an alcove along the alleyway he pulled her alongside himself.
“Maria I am afraid your clandestine activities are no longer a secret. I would have picked up that book for you. What are you reading that you had to risk so much to get it?”
Maria looked at him and didn’t quite know how to explain.
“You wouldn’t understand,” was her response.
Kirill, who had sisters himself, knew not to reply to that comment without risking his good standing with her.
Her afternoon adventure had left quite a story to tell in the first entry of her new diary, but she hated to part company with the real-life, quite capable, and handsome warrior dragon-slayer.

Kirill solved her dilemma by suggesting another meeting.
“I will be out by the lake tomorrow with the Tsar; perhaps, you and Fyodora could come by to watch the boys launch their sailboats.”
Knowing that any more time spent together within the walls of the palace could effect any future meetings because of protocol, she gleefully accepted his invitation and once they made it back to the safety of the fortress she would tell Fyodora the good news.

 

Not sure if the new paragraphs will make it into my story, but I’m thinking if I did that to all the scenes my book it will easily double in size. I read somewhere, and I keep repeating this, a story isn’t finished until it goes to the publisher. I have read and re-read my stories and I have found errors and/or made changes every time.

I have completed my goals for January 2016. I have uploaded all the stories I had earmarked for contests and I am getting ready to tackle the major re-work, edit to my story Flaked Tuna. The one I plan to send out for professional edit and re-submission to the agent who passed it by. This will take a few months and by then I’m hoping that I will have heard from one of these contests I have entered. Something has to give.

 

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